Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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