and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
