i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
