two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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