I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
