I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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