I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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