I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
