You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
