i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
