Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
