I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize