i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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