Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
