Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize