Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
now i know why i became what i already was.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm just crazy horny about you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
