The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
