New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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