not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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