dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
