If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
