A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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