and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
