I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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