I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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