the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
