i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
