Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
