she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
