My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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