jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
