I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
