made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
this will be a night to untag.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
