i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
