hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
