i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
