Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He better not be in your backpack
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
