Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
