all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
