I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
