Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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