The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So much rum. So many feels.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I die, sorry about rent.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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