Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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