Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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