Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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