i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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