i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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