Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
