plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
