Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
