Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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