I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
