After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
