I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
