I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
