I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
